Friday, October 9, 2009

Desire Comes Full Circle

Two things happened to me this week of the Joy Diet. The first is that I had to let go of a few things. The second is remembering to keep it simple.

Letting Go: The interesting thing about this is timing. Last Friday in the mail I received a manilla envelope from a past professor. She was cleaning out her office and came across my portfolio of goals that I had written my freshman year in college and sent it to me. (Who does that? ) It lay on the table unopened all day. Finally I got the courage to open it.
I didn't go to college until my children were grown. I dove in like I had something to prove. The first year I paced myself. Then I took honors courses and heavy loads and aced them, only to burn out halfway to my goal. I left with a leave of absence and nary a word. I never returned. In the background, I carried a shadow of failure. Now it's in my face.
I read through the material and sent an email off to her with a thank you and a sort of apology for not completing my goals. By now I'm in the week of examining the desires of my heart. The first image that comes to me is that of Dorothy's ruby slippers clicking together. I had written a poem about this in college, so now I'm digging through my writings...
I'll cut to the chase. I realize I must let this go. Maybe I will return to college, maybe not. Either way, it has weighted me down long enough.

Keep it simple: I had two pictures this week, I've already described the first. The second was one of me barefoot in a spring dress, running right at the end of a tunnel. I am ready to break out into a beautiful Italian looking village basking in sunlight. Letting go is freeing me to move out from under the tunnel into what I love. I kept looking for what that is- some BIG thing. All week I had been seeing the word HOME. Finally I realize, it's just that simple. Even growing up, with all my dreams of becoming an actress or a nurse , the one common denominator was that I had and loved my own home. I love being at home. I work from home for my hubby a couple of mornings a week. I have women in my home for Bible study and encouragement. Ok, I won't bore you, but it is very simple for me. I am enough. Without a college degree or doing something measurably great.

Vision card: note the woman in the boat. In my Esther study this week, Beth describes our moving into the future like a woman rowing a boat backwards into the future. She is going foward , but her history is a part of her destiny. I opened a new magazine and on the second page there was the photo of the woman. Wow! Nothing is wasted. What I learned in that time I will carry with me and as long as it no longer pulls me back with regret, it may a part of what propels me forward.

One interesting note: The year I left college I was reading a book called "Waking the Dead." One of its themes is following the desires of your heart. A full circle moment indeed!

16 comments:

Jane said...

I loved this post. At 45 and unemployed after having worked for over 20 years, I find myself wanting to do more with my life. I checked out a teaching certificate program in art last week. When they sent me the requirements, I froze like a deer in the headlights. It all seemed so daunting. I walked away. I'll have to really think about this desire. Don't be hard on yourself for the unfinished. If it is a true desire, you will be lead back to finish it.

sherry ♥ lee said...

A beautiful vision board and a beautiful vision of you -- letting go. Knowing you are enough. Knowing that what you thought you wanted lead you down the road you needed to travel so that you could discover this. I love your insight and how things have come full circle for you -- at the most opportune time -- when you were ready to hear and to see...more importantly to listen to your own heart. ♥

kaileenelise said...

beautiful words & gorgeous collage - thank you for your comments and support. this is a great journey to travel with you and the rest of the joy diet tribe. xo, kaileenelise

Melinda said...

this is a beautiful vision board you have created! You have given me a lot to think about too with your writings here today. Your story is a great one to read..and you have definitely come full circle! Isn't that interesting how the college professor had kept a list of your goals? Well, maybe you don't really think so....haha...anyway...great read and thanks for stopping by my blog today!

WrightStuff said...

Thank you for sharing your 'revelation' I suppose you could call it. I think you probably have let go of it now. Well done.

Grammy said...

It is wonderful to hear you already have your hearts desire too. And can release regrets.

Lisa said...

The wonderful thing about letting go is that we make room for new and charming mysteries to form... dreams to unfold... imaginings to ponder.... so good for you! We can't change the past.... but we can stand where we are, grounded in knowing that this moment is full of potential!

Lucy Ladham-Dyment said...

thanks for sharing.

Helen said...

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with desire. Among my desires this week were some very simple things too. Enjoy your new lightness when you release regret!

Ellecubed said...

Thank you for sharing your experience with desire. I love the way you connected desire to letting go and keeping it simple.

. said...

letting go and keeping things simple are absolutely the best way to go about this experience as a whole.

Genie Sea said...

Your vision card is so inviting and vibrant! I am happy that you let go of the sense of failure. I think it's important to give ourselves a break for unfinished things. We don't tear ourselves apart if we don't finish eating a meal we prepared and thought we were craving for. Some desires are powerful and true, others fleeting. It's all good! :)

The Other Laura said...

This journey to desire is certainly full of twists and turns. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on desire.

alteredpink said...

I love this post! It read & reread the boat entry - that is amazing! I am finding a similar revelation -goals & dreams change & its OK!

City Girl said...

I love this post. Letting go is so important - sometimes it can result in the energy to do that very thing, or something else. Either way, it is worth letting go.

Sharmila said...

Gracegal - this is beautiful! Thanks for sharing! ;) I adore your vision card and loved how you shared in your blog: 'I am enough' - so powerful! and i loved how you talked of Esther rowing the boat and how 'She is going foward , but her history is a part of her destiny.' have a blessed day! ;) you are moving forward! hugs, Jen