Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Roadblock to Grace

A brave post, inspired by Susannah Conway's blogging class:

A friend was sharing with me last week about her experience with shame. As she shared I could see a picture forming of a huge roadblock to grace.
I thought, "Wow, it would be powerful for her to share this at one of our women's gatherings sometime."
 Then I went on with my day.

One morning in prayer I met up with my own roadblock of shame.
I had been reading a novel about abuse and the effect it had on the whole family. I felt the weight of my own failings as a parent, especially with my two oldest. I came into marriage and parenthood broken from my own  childhood.  Remnants of weary,worn baggage filtered into my parenting skills, which were already nil. Only by the grace of God, as I invited Him into my life, did I manage to make it through. But did it leave scars? Oh, not physical scars but emotional. I don't know how much of that is true and how much my perception.

I decline to go into detail because that is not my story anymore. There is nothing I cherish any more on this earth than my children and their children. What I want to focus on is Grace.

When I first saw that heavy shroud-like clothing on my spirit-woman that morning and recognized it as shame, I was taken aback. I had given this over to God years ago with tears of repentance and grief.
 I thought that ship had sailed but it's more like the train I snapped a pic of last weekend. You can hear each car as they clickety-clack over the tracks, some looking old and battered, seemingly taking forever to move along. Not as a smooth, gliding sailboat, a thing of beauty as it passes before you.

The caboose does eventually come and it has always been my favorite car.

Psalm 25 - the Passion Translation:
Don't let the shame of defeat come over me...Lord, how many are my sins. Lift their burden off my life.

I felt the burden shift and lift and I breathed in grace. I am not sure how this matches up with theology that says this was gone when I confessed it years ago, but I know an encounter with grace when I have one and this was it.
Goodbye little caboose.

1 comment:

amber said...

Your post is so inspirational and brave. I always thought of you in my work with people. You broke that cycle of abuse and showed that it can be done. I hope shame turns to sense of accomplishment as a strong survivor. You learned to be a parent with no road map or past mentor, AMAZING! I think you should pen that novel:)